lest your life be dull

Thursday, March 16, 2006

the soundtrack of my life

i've been thinking...if my life were a movie, which i'm not totally convinced that it isn't...what would be on the soundtrack?
when i walk into a room and i want to make an entrance: let me clear my throat (just the intro with the horns and the bari saxes, uh huh, uh huh, uh uh ahhhhh)
when i walk into a room and i want to be low key: crush, dmb
when i'm leaving a room and got something better to do: bon jovi, livin on a prayer
when i'm driving on the highway: life is a highway...tom cochran
when i'm driving through town: nickel creek, this side
when i'm very angry: stupified
when i'm at 710 white: dr. dre and snoop dogg, nuthin but a g thang
when i write papers: dmb, upon these crowded streets
when i'm having a sad moment: hungry, pearl jam
when i'm with my sorority sisters dancing kinda slutty: pour some sugar on me, def leapord
when i get picked up for date: bad medicine, bon jovi (ok, maybe not)
when i get home from a date: weak in the knees, swv (jk...but seriously...)
when i'm with a boy that i digging: as, stevie wonder
when i'm in a time crunch: cecilia, simon and garfunkle
when i'm falling asleep: come away with me and shoot the moon, norah jones
strategic moments: anna begins, counting crows; high and dry, radiohead; with or without you, u2
when i'm being contemplative and the camera is fading away: clocks, coldplay (you're right, slightly generic, but still)
people should submit their soundtracks to my email and i will post the best ones.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

christmas pic


i just figured out how to post pictures... Posted by Picasa that hotrod on the left is me, then ze bebe, followed by my brother, Lane, and his wife Melissa.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

last week

Anyone who knows me knows that I definitely do not have a problem with self disclosure. I don’t really have much going on externally that I’m not open about, but like most people, I don’t parade my interior life around for all to see. That stuff is usually kept for those closest to me. I had the type of week last week that I usually wouldn’t tell very many people about. But I really feel led by the Spirit that I’m supposed to “put it out there,” and to not do so would be prideful (in the sense that my inner-self is so great it should only be shared with my choice few) and denial of what God did in my life.
Another thing that most people know about me is that I’m in love with myself. I think I’m awesome…and hilarious and pretty and smart and that people like to be around me. If someone were to disagree with any of this, my self-esteem is so iron-clad that I would just think they’re the self-absorbed one, having a bad day, etc. (You can thank my parents for this…I grew up thinking that even the way I brush my teeth was exceptional.)
This isn’t to say that I’m not painfully aware of my depravity. My shortcomings and rough edges are at the forefront of my mind, and I have to try hard to not be self-condemning. But I know what positive things I have going for me and they’re pretty unchanging and concrete. All that being said, last week was one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had. Not the “worst” in the sense of an event happening which has caused me to be in a sad mood, but just Who I Am caused me to feel just awful all week long.
I have never felt more worthless, unhealthy, lazy, good for nothing, non-essential, not special, not worth-while…the list goes on. I basically just felt awful about myself and my life all week long. I couldn’t connect with God…I didn’t want to. I didn’t really want to connect with anybody or communicate at all for that matter, but I really wanted people to communicate with me. I didn’t remember when I last felt normal. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt like I had made a difference in anything. I was really pissed off and frustrated, but I had no idea why, and my anger wasn’t directed at anything. I felt really confused. I felt sick: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Ever since the hurricane, I’ve had fleeting thoughts of “you’re not worth anything” or “you’re lazy” or “you’re not pretty anymore.” But, like I said, I generally have such an inflated view of myself that I really just scoff at comments like that, so they never stayed and I didn’t think about them twice. Then, last week, all the fleeting comments came at once and stayed on me and didn’t leave. It was heavier and worse than anything I’d ever experienced like that. I didn’t know what to do, but even if I would have known what to do, I probably wouldn’t have done anything about it.
There were two times when I was around my roommate that the Spirit was so strong in her that it made its way through all the junk and darkness and connected with my Spirit, and I just cried but I was still so confused about what was going on. I felt awful but at the same time didn’t have any desire to fix it. These times were really good with my roommate but didn’t really fix my problem. It was much deeper than any convo could fix, although the Spirit in her was giving me good words of wisdom of how to snap out of it.
On Friday evening (before Narnia!), I connected with the Lord again. I don’t really know how to explain it but it was sort of like I woke up and shifted paradigms and stopped thinking of things so jacked up.
He definitely gave me this word from Psalm 103: Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Pretty much down the line, the Lord called out that all that I was feeling: physically sick, emotionally in turmoil, disconnected from the Lord, undesirable and unworthy of love, super worn out and not able to get anything accomplished, the Lord promised to take care of and reminded me that He has the specific answer to all that junk I was sitting in. He just went straight down the line and rebuked all that stuff.
Then I remembered what it was like for my soul to connect with the Lord again…to want to praise him. And everything I’d been thinking on just went away. I really feel like it was probably an attack of the enemy just trying to keep me down, and that he had been planning this for a long time. I think I could have easily slipped into deep depression, but the Lord pulled me out of the pit before it went any further, reconnected and realigned my soul, and restored me. It was definitely a paradigm shift; just totally different thinking and viewing my circumstances than I had been doing that week. It was crazy and awesome and all Him and none me.
Well I just felt like I was supposed to share all this. So there you have it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

the brink of normality

well, i would like everyone (which i think so far actually consists of no one, from what i can tell. so i would like me...) to know that since my last posting, i have come into some socks. my roomie bought me some new socks which has secured her spot as best roommate ever. the roommate who formally used to hold this title is still a close second though. (those aopi's aren't so slutty and vindictive after all...huh.) this may seem like an odd gesture to some, but it was a true gift of the heart and made me happy.
also, we've officially secured a two bedroom which will be ours around the first of the year. there's a fire place and i'm super pumped about that. it will be a fun new era in my life and i think i will officially transition from qualifying my baton rouge residency ("well i'm living in baton rouge now, but i was living in new orleans") to just "i live in baton rouge." which is a fun step for me. so things are still on the steady path to normalcy.
it still amazes me how much comfort there is in new orleans people "carrying their cross" and how bonding it is to talk to somebody else from new orleans who has shared in this crazy experience. if it were anything else, i'd definitely write it off as melodrama, but the size and scope of this disaster, combined with the fact that there's still no clear cut clean up plan, and things "getting back to normal" is never going to happen, but even "livable" is still pretty far off means that it's not melodrama, but just that there's no other even by which to scale what's going on emotionally for people. i'm just super thankful that the Lord has provided such an amazing group of friends to support me and help keep me emotionally healthy. which is yet another reason why living in baton rouge is best case scenario right now.
i definitely think that romans 8:28 has always been the linchpin of my life, and this season is no exception.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Has anyone seen my socks?

I can’t find my socks anywhere. I’ve been wearing my roommate’s socks since Katrina. I know that I packed them, but every time I go to look for them, I can’t find them. So I just borrow hers. And she doesn’t care at all. But they’re not mine.
It’s been nearly 3 months since the Katrina happened. Tonight I am sleeping in exactly the same bed that I was on the night I first left NOLA. I’ve slept here most nights since. It’s a really nice bed and if anything in all this, I’ve learned that a bed is nice but not a necessity. A lot of people don’t have beds; not even loaner, shared beds, as I do. So I really have nothing to complain about at all.
It’s just that it’s not My bed. At the risk of sounding incredibly shallow and materialistic, I will publicly admit that I’m just a touch shallow and materialistic. I WANT MY STUFF BACK. The majority of my earthly belongings are safe and sound (and dry), over at my friend’s garage. He gave me the garage door opener, so I can go visit my stuff any time I want. I feel kind of like a divorced mother who does not have legal guardianship, but can see her kids when she wants. Which sounds nice, but it’s just not the same at all.
It’s not even that my stuff is all that great. But it is mine, which means it is familiar, and it makes up my life. Perhaps there’s some hidden depth to be discovered in all this, but really I’d just like to have my stuff around me again.
I feel like I’ve done a good and healthy job at every stage of coping with this random tragedy that has fallen on everyone from NOLA. In all honesty, I came out ahead financially in all this (don’t tell FEMA), and I have a wonderful roommate, and have a lot more of like-hearted friends around, and I love my church and love being more involved in that. Love everything. But I miss complaining about school with my school friends. I miss going to class and having routine and eating fudge rounds in the student center. I just miss the mundane, stupid stuff that was my unexciting life before. But it was My life. And now, even though it seems things are settled, it is still very far from normal, with no hopes of returning to normal any time soon, if ever. (Actually, this isn’t even “new normal” yet b/c there will still be a move to a 2 bedroom sometime in the future. This ought to make me feel better because then I’ll have my stuff back and my own space. I expect “new normal” to be fantastic, but this “pseudo normal” is wearing me down.) It’s true that this life may be even a little better than normal, but I still miss the old normal. So even though I feel like I should be over it and super excited about all the new and great things in my new life, I still sometimes just have really pissy days like today where I’m just pissy and miss my old life. Most days are fine, but today was pissy. I want my stuff back. I want a new normal and not just this holding room of normal. Soon enough. And really, I don't even like wearing shoes and socks anyway. I'd rather wear flip-flops.
I'm not even sure if anyone will read this, since I haven't posted since May, so let me know if this is for anyone other than me...

Monday, May 09, 2005

shout out...

please let everyone go here: www.mvmeadows.blogspot.com to my friend maria's page to read stories of her greek mother. very funny.

Monday, May 02, 2005

ze bebe is coming...

ze bebe is coming and is indeed almost here! hooray for ze bebe!!! on friday, the update from lane was "ze bebe is on the launching pad but is still swiming in amniotic fluid and gestating." tonight lane called and said that ze bebe is preparing for launch and they were on their way to ze hospital. it's almost time for ze bebe to make an appearance. i was hoping for an 05/05/05 arrival, but apparently not so much luck. looking more like the morning of 05/03/05. once ze bebe realizes how cool it would have been to have the birthday 05/05/05, he will regret his decision.

the list of things amber newton is great at...

amber is one of my comrads in the psych and counseling department. which means that she could inform you how to most efficiently commit suicide, says "piss" regularly (which is the one word that must be in your vocab if you can be my seminary friend), knows what "brain fag" means, and shares in my constant complaining about the excessive work load of our department compared to everyone else at nobts.
1. Changing diapers in less than 20 seconds flat
2. Telling bobo what to do (ed. note: bobo is amber's husband, not her dog or something like it may sound.)
3. Being a great Aunt to my 2 nephews
4. Honking at people who try to cut me off on the freeway in this psycho city
5. Choosing the stall in the bathroom that is out of toilet paper
6. Surfing the internet to find random things to read
7. Not excerising and saying I did (Hey the 2 flights of stairs that I climb every day in the student center has to count for something)
8. Being one of the nerds on campus that has a mini me!
9. Watching reality tv shows
10. Grooming my dog missy pissy
11. Speeding!--I know I know
12. Running red lights...
13. Telling it like it is (ed. note...the is for real. amber makes me seem like i beat around the bush.)
14. Typing b.s. papers for class
15. Procrastination
16. Changing lightbulbs
17. Cleaning
18. Getting the most colds in one year
19. Getting ready in a hurry...shower and all
20. Sleeping
21. Giving back masages
22. Goard games--Trivial pursuit is my favorite!
23. Dropping my cell phone repeatedly...Yes, it still works!
24. Finding the best sales on clothing