back before the days when i was easy on the eyes...

back before the days when i was easy on the eyes...
one day after school when i was a freshman at glenwood high school, after frantically running from my seventh hour french class, dropping stuff off at my locker, and dashing over to the band room to pick up my saxophone...yes, i was a band nerd...running all the while as to not miss my ride home from school, my ankle gave out.
now we must pause the story here to tell you what i was wearing, b/c it makes the story better. first, you need to know that even though the description i am about to give you is not a cool one, i was still cool. i was on student council and vp of my class and things like that. and, yes, my school had more than 20 people in it. more like 1200. thanks. although, i'm really not sure how i got elected, or why all the older kids thought i was cool and wanted to hang out with me, but i was, and they did, even though what i am about to tell you will lead you to believe i was not at all cool.
i was not always the hotrod which you now know and love. my hair was parted down the middle (known to those in the know as a butt-crack part), long and stringy, and fairly plastered to my head, the only make-up i wore was base, so i basically was a beige blob with no features. i didn't even wear lip gloss. i had a t-shirt on that said: (i'm not making this up, i promise) "who's a sinner? your signature here: _________." and plaid faded glory shorts with some hideous eastland penny loafers with pennies actually in them. one in each shoe. one from 1981, the year i was born, the other from 1991, the year i became a christian. this is too good to be making up, i'm not making this up. so i was very not cool and very awkward yet i had somehow convinced people to think i was fun.
so i had just slammed the door to my locker, took off with my overly full backpack about twenty yards down the hall, (walking leading with my head down, i'm sure, as all cool and graceful kids do), intending to hang a left and go down two steps, and into the band room which was about five yards after that. instead, when i turned, my ankle gave out, and i had to do a deep lunge down the two steps as to not fall on my face and crush my skull with my overly full backpack. well, during my deep lunge, i grasped for anything i could get ahold of in order to steady myself. i grabbed onto something, and quickly, i pulled on it again to get myself up out of this awkward position i found myself in. upon bearing down on it even harder, i heard a wince. when i looked up to see what i had grabbed hold of for balance, it was none other than...brian bancroft's penis. and i'm talking he's in soccer shorts on his way to practice, not jeans.
with big eyes and a gapping mouth, (brian bancroft had gapping eyes, too, but his had tears in them), i think i managed something that was meant to be "i'm sorry" and i dashed into the band room, and then ran outside, just in time to catch my ride home from school, bus number 27.
so that was my first sexual experience.
still think i'm cool?